Category Archives: Humor
Casting the New York Jets in MTV’s Jersey Shore
The 2010 New York Jets (who play their home games in New Jersey) literally began their NFL season on a reality show; with all their internal drama readily available for viewing pleasure. On HBO’s Training Camp: Hard Knocks, plenty of semi-scripted, Hawthorne Effect induced storylines ensued. As the season went on, more debauchery went down.
Today’s reality television landscape (if there is such a thing as “reality” tv anymore) is dominated by a show “documenting” the trashy lifestyle of 8 guidos and guidettes spending an alcohol fueled summer together in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. And there’s more than a few similarities between the Garden State’s two most popular and trashiest, out-of-control frat houses.
Let’s examine them. “CAN’T WAIT” as Jets LB Bart Scott would say.
Note this is being re-run from last winter. We’ll have to re-cast and find a new spot for Plaxico; and get rid of Braylon
Rex Ryan as Jenni “JWoww” Farley
Both of these large bosomed individuals are known for their incessant cursing and “interesting” sexual proclivities.You’ve heard all about Ryan’s foot fetish, and J Woww was quoted on camera: “I’m like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I will rip their heads off.”
That’s more an expression of attention-whoring idiocy than actual practice of course; and we really haven’t ever seen her hook-up on the show, so we don’t really know what truly fully inflates her fake funbags.
Braylon Edwards as Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi
Weird to compare one of the most svelte and athletic Jets to a squished, bowling ball shaped person? No, because their kindred spirits in alcoholism, alcohol fueled legal infractions and not really being punished for their actions. Edwards got a DWI in September, (not a DUI but a DWI) yet was suspended for what, a quarter of one game? Snooki got wasted in the middle of the day, and was arrested for disorderly conduct on the beach. Yet she’s a role model.
Snooks, like Edwards, is as dumb as a box of rocks but she’s hailed as a contemporary pop culture icon. She’s inspired a legion of followers and acolytes among the semi-retarded, but never truly accomplished anything. Rutgers University even had her as a guest speaker! Edwards is very well paid ($5 million per) despite not coming remotely close to living up to his potential as the 3rd overall pick in the 2005 NFL Draft. He’s had one phenomenal season, and three more decent years, but still been invisible for about half his NFL career.
Antonio Cromartie as Vinny Guadagnino
You knew Cromartie, with his gaggle of illegitimate children, would be analogized against one of the most sexually promiscuous characters. Vinny isn’t the biggest slut on the show, but that’s only because all of them pretty much have one purpose in life- getting wasted and hooking up as much as possible. Still Cromartie, the NFL’s answer to Shawn Kemp, has his own “kitchen ditching” going, as he once claimed to not know the names of some of his children. Given both their cult hero status….and you wonder why so many people hate America?
Mark Sanchez as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino
The man of the house, running things like a mayor. Ultimately, many of their plans fizzle in the end, despite some initial success. However, someone needs to lead this rabble, and they both appear to be the most qualified to lead.
LaDanian Tomlinson as Sammi the Sweetheart Giancola
They never shut up and incessantly whine about what they think their worlds should be, and how important they regard themselves to be within that world. I really have nothing else to say about these two equally annoying non-winners.
Bart Scott as Ronnie Ortiz-Magro
Both are known first and foremost for being tough and mean, and talking trash about their ability to be a bad ass. Loud and obnoxious in their smack talk, each had a catch-phrase summing up their character. “CAN’T WAIT” vs. “one shot, kid!”
Mark Brunell as Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio
Both of these guys seem “normal” compared to the batsh** insanity they’re constantly surrounded by. Therefore, you sometimes forget they’re around. However, they’re synced up because both are (if I may channel Danny Glover) “way too old for this sh**.”
John Conner As Deena Nicole Cortese
We don’t know that much about these stocky, low center-of-gravity characters because they aren’t major players on the show so far.
Much gratitude to Chris “C-Murder” Hellinga and Kevin “K-Dawg”Diblasi, who served as external consultants and research assistants to make this article possible.
Paul M. Banks is CEO of The Sports Bank.net. He doesn’t have a real nickname, but he is also a regular contributor to the Tribune’s Chicago Now network, Walter Football.com, Yardbarker Network, and Fox Sports.com
You can follow him on Twitter @Paul_M_BanksTSB
Bengals Cut Anotnio Bryant. What to do with $7.85 Million?
On March 10th of this year, the Bengals signed Antonio Bryant to a 4-year deal worth $28 million. Oh how different things were back then. That was the day the Bengals thought they found their complement to Chad Ochocinco. Things were looking up in Bengals land.
Now fast forward to today, August 31th, and look where we are. Antonio Bryant is no longer with the Bengals after being released by the team on Sunday despite never playing a down for the team. Don’t feel bad for Bryant though, he has already collected $7.85 million from the Bengals and filed a grievance for the $1.55 million he was scheduled to make in base salary.For the 172 days he was a Bengal, Bryant made $45,639.54 per day. Not a bad gig if you can get it.
Which got me thinking, what could you do with that $7.85 million Bryant collected for his short time in Cincinnati?
- Buy 87,222 Carson Palmer jerseys.
- Buy 9,812 pairs on season tickets seated on the sideline.
- Bail Cedric Benson out of jail 1,570 times.
- Buy 2,616,666 boxes of the new “Ochocinco’s” cereal.
- Buy 673,241 copies of T.O.’s book “Little T Learns to Share.”
- Pay Chad Ochocino’s recent twitter fine 314 times.
- Buy 174 Lexus’s that Chad Ochocino promised to give away during a raffle at a comedy club.
- Legally change your name in Ohio 38,088 times.
- Buy 1,121,428 beers at Paul Brown Stadium
- And finally, make it rain with Pacman Jones 7,850,000 times.
Video: Brett Favre Musical
We know there hasn’t been enough Brett Favre coverage already, so we have some more for you.
This isn’t actually news though. Just a video about the career of the old gunslinger.
It’s pretty funny and definitely worth checking out.
Top 5 Rex Ryan Quotes From Hard Knocks
If you watched Hard Knocks last week, you couldn’t ignore the budding star that is Rex Ryan.
The noticeably slimmed down Rex dominated air time with his profane, yet utterly hilarious remarks.
From the start to finish, I was on the edge of my seat listening to what Rex would say next.
Here are the highlights of Rex from the first episode.
Top 5 Rex Ryan Quotes
5. “Last year, hey we were under the radar that’s a good place to be. F**k that the best place to be is when expectations are high.”
4. “Revis? Where are you?” (knocks on door) “I wish. Come home, Revis. Come home.”
3. “Great job. We’re right where we wanna be. No question about that. Enjoy this time, get away from it. No matter what your doing, it’s better than my f**king vacation. I’m cruising the Baltic with my in-laws and sh*t.”
2. “This will be some light reading for you. It’s every negative article they wrote about us. Just a little poop material.”
1. “Hey, guys, we don’t have Revis in this building right now.” “Does it matter that Revis is not here? Goddamn, he’s pretty f**king good. He’s pretty good, OK? But you know what guys? It isn’t about one guy, its about leading the league in f**ing wins.”
NFL Suspension Policy
Does anyone really know what’s going on in Roger Goodell’s mind when he determines how long to suspend a player?
The folks over at Draftsharks took a stab on what the thought process is of Goodell when he’s making these decisions.
Here’s what they came up with:
While this is intended to be humorous it does show that maybe commissioner Goodell might have too much power.
It seems like he can suspend someone for anything and for as long as he wants too.
With no established precedent on if/how long to suspend players Goodell can do as he pleases.
Maybe Goodell should make one of these, so we know what he’s thinking when he suspends someone.
My Starting XI Made Up of NFL Players
The World Cup is in full swing and “the fever” is spreading. I’ve got it and I’m sure many others do as well.
Since were in kind of a “dead” period right now, I’d figure I’d write about fútbol while also including football.
So here goes my best attempt at creating a starting XI full of NFL players:
Note: I’m not using any kickers or punters because were talking about real NFL players.
GK: Larry Fitzgerlad, Cardinals- How are you getting anything by Larry Fitz? He’s got great size, hands, and reflexives. If he can make catches like this, he’s making all the saves.
LB: Maurice Jones-Drew, Jaguars- Don’t let his size fool you. MJD is one tough dude. Just ask Shawne Merriman. Plus he’s got great speed to make runs forward.
CB: Troy Polamalu, Steelers- This guy is just an absolute beast. He can play big, being physical with you and he can burn you with his speed. He also has great anticipation and would pick off any through ball.
CB: Adrian Wilson, Cardinals- He is the rock of the defense. No one is getting by him. He can lay the lumbar and can out-jump anyone for a header.
RB: Ray Rice, Ravens- Similar player to Jones-Drew. Can kill you with his speed and is deceptively strong and shifty. His legs are like tree trunks.
LM: DeSean Jackson, Eagles- I love speed on the wings. and Jackson has plenty of it. Give him the ball in open space and watch what he will do.
CM: Charles Woodson, Packers- I would imagine Woodson as a great box-to-box-midfielder. He was a Heisman Trophy winner in college, playing both sides of the ball.
RM: Hines Ward, Steelers- You can put this guy anywhere on the filed and I’d bet he’d do great. He can play defensive as well, helping to cover for the fullbacks going forward, while also helping out on the offensive end. He might pick up the occasional yellow card, but he’d drive opponents crazy.
ATM: Chad Ochocinco, Bengals- Ochocinco claims he could play professionally right now in Spain. That’s debatable, but the man has serious skills. We know for sure, he has a good leg. He’d do a great job being the creative force in the midfield and distributing to the strikers.
ST: Chris Johnson, Titans- Speed kills and Johnson is as fast as they come. He can stretch the defense creating space for others, while also creating for himself as well.
ST: Randy Moss, Patriots- Moss wold be the target man, complementing the speed of Johnson. Don’t forget Moss has blazing speed too. Plus, at striker he won’t have to run as much so he can take a few plays off. Also his goal celebrations would be great.
